so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
