my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
