I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
