I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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