My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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