I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Randomize
