So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
