ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Randomize
