Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
