I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
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