bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
