I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Randomize
