life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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