Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
