its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
