I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
