Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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