that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
