New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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