Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
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