I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
