I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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