Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
