fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
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THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
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It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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