I am midnight drunk by noon
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
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Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
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I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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