Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
