oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
