I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
