You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
