she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
not ubering you a puppy
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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