What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Randomize
