the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
