He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
