he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
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