i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
