3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
