she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
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We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
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Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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