Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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