I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
There's even glitter on my cock...
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