Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
