he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Randomize
