He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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