Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
