when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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