She went from zero to smokin in five shots
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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