Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Rumble strips road head = magical
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Randomize
