so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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