6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
