if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
i hope someone procrastinates by putting up the pics up...
sarah said she can't even post all of hers due to facebook indecency rules
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
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