WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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