i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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