I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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