i don't like sucking hair
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
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