Swine flu. Run for my life!
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Randomize
