New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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