If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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