Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
