so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
