I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
