I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
