The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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